LapTopping – 32 – “Mr Whiffy”
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LapTopping Issue 32
Thursday 14th October 2004
Estimated Reading Time: 7:11
(Approximately the amount of time you spend looking for those sunnies)
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LT BIRTHDAYS
Happy Birthday Roger Moore 77 today!
Happy Birthday Jean-Claude Van Damme 44 Monday!
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DAMN POP UP ADS!
Aloha
OCTOBER (at a glance)
15th ANU, Canberra.
18th Woolongong Uni
20th Uni of Canberra / Albury Uni
21st Kitten Club, Melbourne
23-24th Kitten Club, Melbourne
26-28th The comedy clubs, somewhere…Perth
30th Uni of Adelaide (maybe)
NOVEMBER (at a glance)
4th Friend In Hand, Sydney
6th Stagetime, Melbourne
7th Local, Melbourne
JOPULARY (at a glance)
I’m not a month…leave me alone.
The debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ is finished and desperate to be spun. Completed over three glorious months in the surprisingly Emu-free, Emu Plains, NSW. It was recorded and mixed by friend and long-time uncle, Ken Heazlewood. Graphic Designed by the supernovarish Tammy Nicholson. Out soon on Nan and Pop records. It will be launched at all these gigs, and every gig I do for the next 14 years. You can order an advance copy sprinkled with icing sugar for $20 (postage and nerves included) by emailing your postal address. That’s it. We will bill you, and hug you.
The Bedroom Philosopher’s fairly anticipated website is up at www.bedroomphilosopher.com
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On this day in 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)
“Had double English. Bit of a bore. After school Nigel came over. Went to training. Had my cheese and potato pie. Nan and Pop came over. No school tomorra! Hoorah. Bye.”
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TOP FIVE PARTIES I WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR AHEAD OF THE LIBERALS
1. The Tasmanian Table Tennis Association
2. Self Combusters Anonymous
3. The Independent Retired Anarchists Collective
4. The Vegan Army
5. Jarrod Quirk And His Dodgy Mates
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LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
SICK
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Jen Jewel Brown, Melbourne
“My TV, although less than a year old, hates having the coloured input thingummies changed on its side every time you switch from DVD to video.I know doing this has been wrong, but ignorance made me do it. Now the plugholes are all wobbly and it will only play DVD’s through the Playstation 2, and then only when you have a tissue and half a stick of Bluetac arranged just so around the thingummies. It won’t play videos At all despite threats of being beaten with Footy Franks. I can no longer view my old videos of F Troop.”
RECOVERED
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Nick Gross, Hobart
“11:10 Thursday 9-9-2004 the printer lives again. It’s printing a bit wobbly and it likes to have a bit of a think but no more printing in the gutter! That’s really just pretty great. It really is. I poked a bit of plastic packaging through the roller things and next thing you know… Kylie Minogue is playing in celebration and I might have a second coffee later on in the day. Do people even get printers fixed anymore? No you can’t, you just buy a new printer. Well not today sir, Its serial number may be fate24197 but today my printer’s fate is whatever it chooses to make it..”
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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: laptopping@lycos.com
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HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)
In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.
From the spiritually voluptuous Kelly Chandler of Vanuatu.
Top five notes left in share house kitchens:
1) just because the cat is meowing doesn’t mean you should feed him.
2) we can’t have the party next weekend, it’s a dark moon in cancer.
3) gelatine and dairy don’t count in kitty
4) please close the toilet lid I can smell boy wee down the corridor.
5) can the person squatting on the toilet take their shoes off before
crapping from now on.
LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@lycos.com with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)
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Let’s get metaphysical
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer!
An
angry
onion
should
be
spelt
“grronion”
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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Canberra, Woolongong, Albury, Melbourne, Perth)
• See above.
Live in Canberra? Please come to the ANU Friday. Supports include Dylan Foulcher and Rik Atkinson. 8pm. $10/5
Live in Melbourne? Why not come to my Kitten Club Shows:
Tony Starr’s Kitten Club 267 Little Collins Street (near town hall)
Supported by my Australian Idol ‘The Josh Earl’
8pm $15/$12
Thursday, Saturday, Sunday 21/23/24 October.
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STORYTIME (brought to you by belly up budget funerels)
BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER’S RECENT GIG DIARY
4th August Babble Poetry Concern, Melbourne
“At one stage I was going on about how the last time I’d come to babble I’d got all excited and breakdanced so vigorously that I’d ripped the knee on my blue pinstripe trousers, and that now I was starting a trend. A girl in the audience yelled out ‘just like Enid Blyton.’
20th August Supporting Citizens of Language, Overload Poetry Festival, Melbourne
“My set went really well. Everyone liked ‘superpoet.’ After the citizens played they asked me to do an encore, which was lovely. I played megan the vegan, radiohead, and then, sensing that my guitar was going out of tune, went on a very odd 5 minute rant about how important it is to keep creating and supporting local art and how lucky we are in this country. No jokes, no punhlines, just pure earnestness, like speed motivational speaking training. I finished it with ‘if we lived in new york, in the 60’s…(pause) we wouldn’t be able to get cash out.’
29th August Stagetime, Melbourne
“Wil Anderson was headlining so there was a packed crowd. They loved my Sinead O’conner walking through Jarvis Cocker gag. At the start I reached out to the front row to give them all a sweeping high 5, like Robbie willams, but no one moved.”
30th August Local, Melbourne
“I wanted to tape my own gig, so for a change I took my walkman up on stage. I said I was bootlegging my own gig to send to a guy in Norway who loves my stuff. I said there’s a guy just running around Norway with a bunch of dodgy tapes going ‘bedroom philosopher yeah…get it here baby….it bombed like a bomb monster on bombing day’
2nd September Tasmanian Comedy Roadshow, Devonport, Tasmania
“I picked up the wrong lead and couldn’t get any sound out of my guitar, then I knocked it on the mic stand and it went completely out of tune. During the previous three acts, there was a suss middle aged guy constantly muttering and picking fights with the bleach blonde stirrup panted ladies at his table. During my set, when I mentioned the Olympics, he started getting very rowdy. Mumbling things like ‘don’t make fun…my son won 3 medals.’ Embracing the freedom of being guitarless, I grabbed the microphone and walked into the audience to interview the man. The interview was sometimes heated and controversial. I got back on stage and said I wasn’t making fun of the Olympics…walked off angrily…then came back on and did a tumbling floor routine. Apparently this guy said he’d won $150 000 that day because he’d bet on his son winning 3 medals in cycling. This was impossible. Later in the night, he punched one of the women (his wife) in the back and was ejected.
3rd September Tas Comedy Roadshow, Smithton, Tasmania.
“After the gig, I saw my grade ten drama teacher. She didn’t remember me. Josh and I accosted her and raved on about a theatresports game we’d played where we’d gotten in trouble for making impotence jokes during a snake charmer routine (he couldn’t get his snake up) she couldn’t remember the routine…or who we were. We spoke about it like it was yesterday. She was collecting her drunk husband, who had interrupted one of the other comedians earlier in the night by yelling out ‘I’m a fly fisherman’ and violently manipulating the zip of his jeans.”
4th September Tas Comedy Roadshow, Ulverstone
“I wore a tracksuit that I’d bought second hand in Smithton. In the audience was an ex girlfriend, an ex girlfriends mother and my cousin. After the gig, Josh kindly informed me that The tracksuit pants were quite tight and you could see my testicles.”
26th September Fringe Festival Street Performers Competition
“I had a recorder with me, planning to do something funny with it. Then, a drunk Port Power supporter walked into the performance area yelling ‘yeah port.’ Complete with flag and promotional wear. I said ‘hi…can you play this…I need you to play this…’ and gave him some instructions. He was happy to help. I said I was going to do an interpretive dance dedicated to Port Power’s win, and moved in time with the random blowing of the recorder. At one stage I gestured wildly to the man and said ‘slow down…this is the slow bit.’ I won the competition. $300.
next issue…how I won $1000 of Cd manufacturing infront of a crowd of hardcore industrial indie punks…(the best gig ever)
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on
laptopping@lycos.com
with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “please subscribe me to the fab e zine the last time i cried was today..Slapsista”
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”
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Order the multi-aluminium Bedroom Philosopher CD ‘Living on the edge…of my bed’ with difficulty by email. 20 songs. $15 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!) (20 copies left. THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE TO ORDER IT BEFORE IT IS DELETED BY NAN AND POP RECORDS)
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IMPORTANT
The information transmitted is for the use of andre the giant only and may contain confidential and/or legally privileged parsnippets. Any review, re-transmission, clark whipping, bollywood screenwriting, dictatorships, nerf, karate, bath, port wine, handicraft, quick-eze or other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon, or overuse of the phrase ‘at any rate’, towards thy electroputty moth by parsons or e-bay advertised lego sets other than the harpooned recipient is prohibiwibble and may result in a bake-off. If you have received this e-mail in terror then please wade aimlessly up and down the third lane of your local swimming pool and delete all copies of this transmission together with any emotional attachments. Certain portions of LapTopping not affecting the outcome have been squeezed into a flaming pamphlet and hidden behind a conceptual painting hung around the neck of a evangelistic half-sister in the murky dream of a bitter video repairman in the house that you’d walk past on your way to school that looked like they never mowed their lawn
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gleef!