R.I.P Hunter S. Thompson (1937 – 2005)
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LapTopping Issue 39
Tuesday 1st March 2005
Estimated Reading Time: 8:03 (longer if you spend time at the song workshop)
**Sydney gigs-a-gogo**

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LAPTOPPING AT A GLANCE!

——-Top 5 Funny Sounding Train Stations Between Newcastle And Sydney And Their Meanings
——-Justin’s Dream Analysed!
——-Inanimate Objects – Sick Computers From Janet McLeod and Susannah Close
——-Hap-Hap-Happy Top 5 Punctuation Marks From Tammy Nicholson
——-Kerry’s bit.
——-Latest News & Sydney Gigs
——-Song Workshop! Help me with my song ‘Feryl Beryl.’

Plus other bits. All this for $-80! (money I would have made working)
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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday the late Johnny Cash, 77 last Friday!
Happy Birthday Alan Thicke (Dad from growing pains) 58 today!
Happy Birthday Jon Bon Jovi 39 tomorrow!

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OPENING CEREMONY, with Justin.

, and welcome to the southern hemisphere’s favourite organic laser treat . I just wanted to say that wherever you are, whatever you are doing – I have this advice. ‘Dance like you’ve never been hurt, love like you don’t need the money and sing like nobody’s watching (which may mean you need to invite more people to your open mic gigs)

, Just x ++

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TOP 5 FUNNY SOUNDING TRAIN STATIONS BETWEEN NEWCASTLE AND SYDNEY AND THEIR MEANINGS

1 – MORRISET – A term to suggest you own all the Smith’s albums.

2 – FASSIFERN – When a rainforest shrub moves to LA to pursue a movie career and turns fussy and sassy.

3 – WYEE – The sound of one getting philosophical on a rollercoaster.

4 – GOSFORD – A brand of motor vehicle targeted at young geese.

5 – WOY WOY – A term of exasperation commonly used in the pre-jurassic period when a warrior couldn’t find his cave keys.

Extra Features:

6 – ASQUITH – A tired and irritable toddler trying to say ‘Ice-cream.’
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PIN THE ANALYSIS ON THE SUBCONSCIOUS
(Can you interpret Justin’s dream?)

LAST ISSUE’S DREAM: Well, there was some personal stuff about my mum driving a car off the side of a road and me getting really mad at her. Then my first long term girlfriend drove the car for a while, and I think later on I was back at my place in bed with her. I was disappointed because it kinda ended early. But THEN…I was an optimus prime, like the main guy out of transformers, the big blue truck, not me inside a suit or anything, I WAS optimus prime…but there was ANOTHER one that was chasing me. At one stage it fired at me by opening up a panel in its stomach and firing a small kitchen fork at me. This buckled me, and made my wheels kinda stretch out. Anyway, I think later on I remember firing back at him and one of my forks got him right in the head and I won.

INSTANT ANALYSIS!
From Mark Mason, Sydney

“You dream of being forked and forking others. You also think your forks are the strongest. I’d say you’ve got a bad case of ‘Utensilus Preposterosum’ or cutlery envy, a very rare but relatively harmless condition only cured by bragging about all the wonderful forks you’ve had in the past. Hence your mother and girlfriend appearing in the dream as well. I bet they’ve both provided some fork-worthy moments. I hope this hasn’t confused you like it has me.”

From Matt Sertori, Hobart

“The transformer thing is the recurring thing of you as a superhero. when u perform on stage u transform into this great comedian. But u r a very original alternative comedian and the audience and powers that be in the comedy world attack u and want to beat u like this other transformer but on stage u r not weak (like in life) u r strong and have super powers and fight back. and u fantasise that u will win one day thus the fork in the
head of the enemy (the bogun audience and the cliquely sterotyped comedy establishment). Its a very sad dream, sort of dream a young child would have. I worry about u if u ever stopped performing, I think u would really be depressed.”

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LAPTOPPING IN-ANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
SICK
*****

From Janet McLeod, Melbourne

“This is disasterous. The touch pad on my laptop has stopped working effectively. I have to spend half an hour performing strange stroking/coaxing motions to achieve anything at all. JUST because I spilt half a glass of Strongbow onto it. Appalling – I shall be contacting the store which sold it to me immediately. Once I sober up.
Oh, and my knock-off Rubick’s Cube has siezed up. That is all.”

From Susannah Close, Newcastle.

“The week before NYWF 04 and the same week as my major Aboriginal Studies
essay was due I turned on my trusty old PC (who has already had one big trip to computer hospital…that turned out to be the kind of saga where I wasn’t actually sure who it was that came and picked her up, and in turn if I would ever see her again, note that that happened the week of another major assignment’s due date) decided to play tricky buggers. I’d turn her on, and be met with a plain blue screen that had a little green frog in the corner inviting me to “log in”. When I’d press on this little frog, the closing down
sounds would play, and the little green frog would stay right where it was/is. As a result I wrote my essayby hand and typed it up on other people’s puters during their study
breaks.”

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev: laptopping@lycos.com

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LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.

The
Best
Things
In
Life
Are
Free.
Except
For
Gigs
Travel
Food
Movies
And
Imported
UK
Music
Magazines.
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HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly – high affectation on last ‘happy’)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the hyper-graphically illuminous Tammy Nicholson of Melbourne.

Dear Bev

Here are my top 5 punctuation marks (and their names)

1. (
Parenthesis – a pair of parentheses can capture so much when you
don’t know how to construct sentences properly. I have a habit
of overusing them (as seen here).

2. ~
Tilda – I’m thinking of naming my first child “Tilda”.

3.
Backslash – a rebellious little character.

4. &
Ampersand – such a challenge to draw but so satisfying when you
finally work it out. I also like how some people draw them
backwards.

5. —
Em dash – so looong and greedy – it takes up the space of almost 3
whole letters!! Plus, it has the superpower of reformatting itself
into a hyphen, usually due to the monospace characteristic of such
fonts as Courier… sneaky little bugger.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment, rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP-HAPPY!(TM) endorsed activity. Submit your 5-point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@lycos.com with 5 things that make you happy, or just a top 5 of any kind! And where you live. They will be published in an order determined by Bev’s powerball numbers)

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY)

LIVE WITHIN A 100km SQUARE RADIUS OF SYDNEY? WELL YOU MUST COME AND SEE “LAUNCHPAD”
March 15,16,17,18,19 (Tue-Sun)
7.00pm $19.90 $14.90
Downstairs Theatre
Seymour Centre
Corner of City Rd and Cleveland St, The University of Sydney
Strap yourselves in for an intergalactic rocket ride through the comedy universes of Nick Sun (2004 RAW winner), Sam Bowring (2004 RAW Runner Up) and The Bedroom Philosopher (Triple J) as they boldly go where no comedians have gone before.

Wednesday March 2

SYDNEY UNI O-Week. Night-time. Sydney Uni. Supporting Wil Anderson and THAT hypnotist! There will be allegedly 5000 people there. So I will break a string in the first song and crowd surf.

Sunday March 6

LAUGHAPOOLOOZA
Everest Theatre
Seymour Centre
Corner of City Rd and Cleveland St, The University of Sydney
7.30pm $31.90 $26.90
Those who would die for musical comedy we salute you!. Includes Eddie Perfect and The Self-Rightous Brothers (Jay and the Dr…JJJ)

Tuesday March 8

BARDFLYS POETRY CONCERN
Friend In Hand Hotel. Cowper St, Glebe. Night starts 8:30pm. $3/2

PS If you have a surplus of comedy budget. Also see Tim Minchin and Andrew McLelland’s shows.
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STORYTIME (Brought to you by ‘Evil Eda Automately. (you may know her from the creepy code letters she says at the end of Telstra messages. Catch her new stage show where she covers such hits as D.I.V.O.R.C.E and R.E.S.P.E.C.T!)

HERE ARE THE LYRICS TO THE LATEST BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER SONG.
ON PAPER, DO YOU THINK IT’S WORKING?
DO YOU HAVE SOME BETTER FERAL/GRANDMOTHER LINES/RHYMES/IMAGES THAT I CAN STEAL? ANYTHING I USE WILL BE REWARDED WITH A FREE ALBUM WITH A CRACKED COVER!

FERAL BERYL
(It’s quite a rocky/funky number. The chorus is very catchy. It’s a bit ‘megan the vegan’ esqe, for various reasons..but has a nanna impression in the middle)

The main gist is…a lot of people that are now 50 were young in the 70’s and I wonder if they are still hippies? Also, it’s raises the endlessly fascinating questions of what my generation will be like when we’re old and crusty. In high school girls were always writing poems about ‘I wanna die my hair pink and ride rollerblades when I’m a nan’ etc.
The line I’m least sure about is the second one…other rhymes for locks includes shocks, box, stocks, frocks, blocks, fox, grox…which isn’t a word. (unless you’re dr suess)

FERYL BERYL

She’s got blue rinse dread locks
Rastafarian thermal socks
Plays jon butler on her gramophone
Goes to nimbin to play bingo

She’s the mother of all grandmothers
She puts the rock in rocking chair…

She’s feryl beryl!
The nan with a plan
The nan with a plan

She plays bowls in the nude
So you can see her bless this kitchen tattoo
She’s got a budgie named zombie…
and a volvo combie
on her mantelpiece is kurt cobain
lotto numbers based on the bands birthdays (this scans terribly when sung!)
(I did have ‘she’s got kurt cobain on her windowsill – lotto numbers based on the sex pistols…but realised I meant mantelpiece, not windowsill)

she makes a killer hash trifle
does her weeding with a rifle

(Pre chorus)
She’s the mother of all grandmothers
She puts the silver hair in silverchair (I’m a freak)

(chorus)
she’s feryl beryl
the nan with a plan…
bare feet and gloved hands…

(BRIDGE)
She can’t understand young people nowadays
Business minded academic liberal voting and straight
She’s always talking about how it was in her day
Led zeppelin LSD bra burning and hey hey it’s Saturday

(nanna spoken bit)
yes hello mavis it’s beryl here…look I was just seeing if you wanted to go down to byron this weekend for the blues and roots festival…I’ve got us some tickets and packed a thermos of home brew and some vodka savouries…percy’s got a tent…but it’s gonna be totally mad and diedre’s got some pills for us…zarapax I think they are…really good for your blood pressure…anyway let me know…and if you’re not doing anything tonight I was thinking of cooking a tofu roast and getting to work knitting some hemp doileys…anyway let me know…cheers dude…

Plays Bacharach on her bongos
Axl is her favourite rose
Reads her grandkids Marxist gear
With a nose ring in her ears

She’s the mother of all grandmothers
A little bit skanky but quick with a hankie…

Lyrics by Justin Heazlewood 2005. Technically, you could release the single yourself and because I’m so poor and would be so in debt if I tried to take you to court, there’s nothing I could do.
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration on

laptopping@lycos.com

with your email details and the last time you cried.
Last time someone cried: “Paul – In a job interview (for a position as a bouncer).
Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts at home”

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Order the Bedroom Philosopher’s debut studio album ‘In Bed With My Doona’ ‘The Sgt. Pepper’s of indie folk comedy.’ $25 including postage and nerves. (email your postal address, we’ll do the rest!)
laptopping@lycos.com

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