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LapTopping….The Official Ezine Thing of The Bedroom Philosopher
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Now with Procrastinay 4: A subroutered serif splicing unicode specifically
designed to assist your productivity WHILE you procrastinate!
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ISSUE 42
Saturday 16th July 2005
Subscribers: 801
Estimated Reading Time: 9:05
In Bed With My Doona is now available in all good record emporiums, or buy
online:
http://www.sanity.com.au/product.asp?intProductID=619414&intArtistID=205093
**FEATURE GIG: Headlining @ Bar Open. A rare set of my serious stuff. 27th
July**
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LT BIRTHDAYS!
Happy Birthday Corey Feldman 34 today!
Happy Birthday David Hasselhoff 53 tomorrow!

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FRESH STATS:

ITS: 8:17pm
IM DRINKING: Tasmanian tap water.
MY HAIR: Concerns my grandparents. Nan sees through the fashionability of a
long, side swept fringe. She doesnt like how it hangs in my eyes when Im
already partially blind.
PIMPLES: A new one on my cheek. Stupid. Sore.
CLOTHES: Double striped blue trackpants. Red, Superior brand thermal pullover
that my Mum got second hand in the 80s, gave to Nan to wear on bushwalks, who
then passed on to me.
I AM: Quite relaxed, with my usually mildly concerning post cigarette heartrate.

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PUBLISHERS NOTE:

IMPORTANT: This issue of LapTopping has had all inverted commas and hyphens
removed, because a big monster came and ate them all at the last minute. It
worked out well, because it finally came to our attention that commas had been
appearing as … to a lot of people. We thank those who always assumed The
Bedroom Philosopher was being edgy and cool. We will be rectifying this problem
as soon as Bev and Justin can get the new bedroomphilosopher.com mailing list
worked out. We urge that the eternal proofreader in you may not let this
technicality blind you to the layers of humour within.

Also, LapTopping Issue #42 was unusually late due to a new type of ink used in
the proofs. Kerry went with a cheaper brand ordered from: G.G. Waz Fazzes
Pallette Vat located in West Cicily, and the units turned out to be diluted
icypole syrup syringed into bubble wrap. We do not recommend G.G Waz Fazzes or
any of their stationery options. We apologise for any convenience the delay may
have caused.

PRAISE FOR LAPTOPPING OK CONFUSER: Its really good.
CRITISISM FOR LAPTOPPING OK CONFUSER: Its so long.

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ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my grade seven diary)

I have dandruff pretty bad. Rather nasty. Came home. Me and Billy went to youth
group. Sarah was there. Bianca likes Ryan. Oh well. (picture of a face crying)
Adelaide whipped Richmond. See you man.

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A WORD PAINTS 1/1000 OF A PICTURE

I want to buy a large section of the Amazon and preserve it, so therell never
be a McDonalds in the rainforest.
River Phoenix.

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TOP 5 BEST MOMENTS OF HANGING OUT AT NAN AND POPS SO FAR

1. Watching David Bowie enter on Parkinson and Nan saying to Pop: Thats what
you need Father, a pullover like hes got on, with a high neck.
2. Nan saying Betwixt instead of Bewitched.
3. Nan saying terrorist attract instead of terrorist attack.
4. Watching Temptation and the contestant when asked which parrolellogram
beginning with r has four uneven sides, replying with the last minute attempt
of rhododendron.
5. Within a minute of walking in the door, Pop looking at me with a cheeky face
and saying……..you need a haircut dont ya?
6. Corn silverside with mustard sauce and home grown pumpkin, beans and
potatoes.

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PIN THE ANALYSIS ON THE SUBCONCIOUS
Can you interpret Justins dream?

Im in my childhood milk bar. There is a table in there where my friends are
sitting. One girl has started taking an interest in me, whom I dont know. She
says she could kiss me. Then, later on, another complete stranger rocks up and
says a similar thing. I go with her and we start hugging. She says how did you
get so flamboyantly cute? like she is really in awe of how cute I am. I start
cuddling her and love the fact of how cool I must look to my friends, to have a
random girl just come up and want me like that. I say whats your name? not that
I really want to ask that question, but I cant think of anything else and dont
like the silence. She says why do you need to know? I stare down at the table
and am aware that my friends are listening to our conversation, so I try to
cover by saying something funny…….Because Im diabetic. I dont think
it gets a laugh. The next thing Im aware of is suddenly feeling guilty cos the
original girl I liked is right across the table. The next section of the dream
is blurry. But suddenly I am screaming at everyone at the table and I throw a
blue pen in anger and it hits the girl across the table in the face. Everyone
is appalled at me, and the girl by my side berates me and leaves. I am very
regretful and insist that I didnt mean for the pen to hit anyone.

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
SICK
*****
From Renee Turner of Hobart, Tasmania.

Today I am bemoaning the loss of a CD. Poor CD, you were in my CD player for a
solid week, and although I didnt play you every day, the knowledge of your
presence made me glad. But then I got a new CD. This is not an advertsing
plug, merely the truth, it was In Bed with My Doona. So, poor other CD, you
were removed from the machine. But alas, I could not find your case. So I sat
you on the desk (shiny side up to prevent scratches). But then, my lamented
friend, I forgot you were there. And when the dangerously teetering pile of
other stuff on the desk could teeter no more and had to topple, you came flying
off the desk, hit the solid wood chair and cracked. The guy at Video Ezy said
nothing could be done, you were gone. You were so young too, Id only had you a
month. Fortunately, in that month my sister had pirated you, so I will be able
to provide a good home for one of your bastard offspring. I hope that thought
brings you peace.

** **** *** ***** ********** *************
WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
** **** *** ***** ********** *************

Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev:
laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com

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LET’S GET METAPHYSICAL!
A moment with Kerry, the metaphysical drummer.

**Kerry has received a one issue ban due to an inhouse legal technicality. His
column will continue in Issue #43**

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HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
(said quickly…..high affectation on last happy)

In this age of treason we get by with a little yelp from our friends.

From the surrealy pragmatic Scott Bradburn, of Sydney.

Ok 5 things that make me happy catching the train to and from work:

1) getting a respectful nod from the guy that hits everyone up for a $1. I gave
him $1 once and struck a deal that he wouldnt ask me again because I really
cant afford it. He hit me up the next day but I reminded him of our deal and he
very vaguely remembered. He hit me up 2 days later… and I reminded him
again. This time he remembered less vaguely and apologised. Now we nod.

2) having two $2 coins and pressing the hurstville return button option on the
express computerised ticket vending machine thing for hurstville in the morning
at 9:00. (price drops from $6 to $3.60 at this moment). I can press this
button, slide my coins in and have my ticket and change and be out of there in
seconds. I love watching those (with my peripheral vision) fumbling around at
the more manual machine next to mine as I leave. They often seem amazed how
efficient I am. I like to watch only peripherally because I also like to look
like I dont think its any big deal… but it is.

3) being the first one to get off my train and onto the elevator on my way
home, but walking casually. I try to position myself in the right carriage on
the way home to facilitate this.

4) putting my ticket in the turnstile thing on the move and picking it up where
it pops back out… all in one smooth motion without breaking stride. Its
hard. But it is possible.

5) getting 27 or below in my 18 hole putt putt golf game on the mobile. That
equates to 1.5 shots per hole. Which is a hole in one at least every second
hole. That just blows my mind.

LapTopping accepts little responsibility for any nonplussment, disappointment,
rejection or apathy experienced during a HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAP HAPPY!(TM)
endorsed activity. Submit your 5 point plan to the chortle portal.
(email Bev at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com with 5 things that make you
happy)

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS
go go gadget August!

Thursday 21st July. Doing a spot at the University of Tasmanias Hobart campus.
I assume in the bar. I assume starting at 8pm. God I dunno. Josh Earl, Andy
McLelland, Duff, will be there too. Check local guides I guess.

FEATURE GIG: Wednesday 27th July.
Headlining at the Australian Songwriter Associations: Jangle Gym.
Bar Open 317 Brunswick Street. Fitzroy. 8:30pm doors open. I will be on about
10:30pm. (Will be playing from back catalogue of non comedy stuff, plus some
rarely performed bedroom philosopher stuff) $5.

Friday 29th July. Albury Uni extravaganza. Not sure where exactly. I daresay,
if you go to Albury uni, you’ll know more than me. Probably 9pm start.

Sunday 31st July. 15 minute music spot at Gasworks arts Theatre. Im on at 5pm.
$8. (there are other musos and poets playing) Gasworks Arts Park 21 Graham St
Albert Park, Melbourne. (I think you get the south Melbourne number 1 tram and
its the second last stop.

Monday 1st August. Renegades of Folk are MCing the Local! Witness the palpable
comedy emotion. Last time Josh got sick but this time hes back and hes rather
pleasant about it all. The Local. Cnr Carlisle and Chapel, Balaclava. 8:30pm
start. Grand public debut of new Renegade additions of Frontier Psychiatrist
and Jump Around. (House of Pain) $10 possibly.

Saturday 6th August. Spoken word stint for Overload poetry festival. Knox
Community arts centre. Cnr Mountain Highway and Scoresby road, Bayswater,
Melbourne. 7pm. $5?

Friday 12th August. Playing a 15 minute filler set for The Conglomerate
(featuring Harry from the Cat Empire) Bennetts Lane Jazz Club. 25
Bennett’s Lane, Melbourne. Night starts 8:30pm I think.

Saturday 13th August. Im running my first ever workshop. Its called ‘Moo!
Wee! Bonk! Turnips! And it’s about using comedy in your performance.
Check www.expressmedia.org.au for details.

Sunday 14th August. Spoken word stint at Poets Breakfast at The Tote,
Collingwood, from 6pm.

Monday 15th August. Spoken word stint for Overload poetry festival. Swinburne
Prahan Campus Training Restaurant. Johns street, Prahan. 7pm start.

Wednesday 17th August. Guest feature for launch of Wordjammin spoken word CD.
Bar Open, 317 Brunswick street, Fitzroy. 8:30pm or thereabouts.

Friday 19th August. Playing a 15 minute filler set for The Conglomerate
(featuring Harry from the Cat Empire) Bennetts Lane Jazz CLub. 25
Bennett’s Lane, Melbourne Night starts 8:30pm I think.

Monday 22nd August. Bedroom Philosopher spot at the Local. Cnr Carlisle/Chapel
St. Balaclava. $10 perhaps. Night starts 8:30pm. I usually go on about 10pm.

Friday 26th August. Playing a 15 minute filler set for ‘The
Conglomerate’ (featuring Harry from the Cat Empire) Bennetts Lane. 25
Bennett’s Lane, Melbourne. Night starts 8:30pm I think.

NOTE: All gig information is probably incorrect at time of printing. For any
additional information, or to discuss any matters that may effect your
attendance at one of these life changing events please hesitate to contact the Bedroom Philosopher directly at justin@bedroomphilosopher.com

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STORYTIME (Brought to you by Folga McStabbys new *Krumpet Kingdom* an all in
one toasting unit that can turn vegetables, meats, breads, frozen goods,
compost, biscuits, you name it, into *Krumpets*, the conveniance of a crumpet –
without the naming rights!)

From Associated Press

PHILOSOPHER TURNS DOWN BABY OFFER!

Australian musical comedian The Bedroom Philosopher AKA Justin Heazlewood got
more than he bargained for after a recent festival gig: an offer to have his
baby from a teenage fan. At the recent Falls Festival in Southern Tasmania, the
24 year old singers finale was an interpretive dance through the crowd, which
left him stranded in the middle of the two thousand strong audience, surrounded
by a small ring of fans.

A shy, kinda nervous girl of about eighteen came up and said can I have your
baby? and she seemed really, earnest about it, like I know thats a bit of a
joke throwaway line but this seemed quite serious. Heazlewood said in a press
conference today. She said: it would have your hair, my eyes, it would be
really cute. And I really just didnt know what to say. There was about ten
other people standing around who I didnt know and I had just finished this
intense comedy set and I was stunned.

Heazlewood said looking back on the January incident he felt some remorse about
the first response he gave to the girl, of: what sort of blood type are you?
To which the girl replied: I’m not sure.

I should have said something nicer than that, Heazlewood conceded today. The
potentially tense stand off was averted by another female bystander who made
the suggestion: why don’t you give her a hug? Heazlewood recalls:

So Im being told by a girl I dont know to give another girl I dont know, whos
just asked to have my baby, a hug. Meanwhile, theres about five young guys
standing around who are only there cos they want to buy my album, but I
didn’t have any on me, the three copies that werent in merchandise were
backstage. It was ridiculous.

Heazlewood said he eventually asked a close friend to mind the group of
followers while he ran backstage to collect his albums. The merchandise was
then divided, by means of an on the spot quiz the performer devised, concerning
the songs performed in his set.

I just picked out lines from Im so postmodern and made up questions like what
is tattooed on my neighbours guide dog? and whoever got it right got an album.
I think everyone who wanted an album got one.

According to Heazlewood, the baby offering girl simply said okay, see you then
and walked off shyly.

What was funnier was my Nans reaction to the whole thing. When I got back home
I told her about it and she just said: yes, there’s a lot out there who
will plead rape…youve got to ask to see their birth certificates first.
And she was really serious about the whole thing.

Heazlewood said the incident capped off a successfull festival, in which he was
able to make his own approach to a potential spouse.

Well, yeah, I did give one of my albums to Sarah Blasko, who Ive got a little
bit of a crush on. It was so awkward though. I spent about forty minutes
staring in her general direction, and when I did finally approach her, it was
at a really bad time when she was about to leave.

Heazlewood is not optimistic that the phantom album distribution will woo the
indie songstress.

Nah. She was friendly enough, but I was acting like a sociopath. Im sure she
got home and went: oh yeah, and threw it on the pile.

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL
CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine email Bev in administration at:
laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com
with your email details and the last time you cried.

Last time someone cried: “Miles: About a week ago, we have a fools ball table.
I was the reigning champion (god bless me) through not losing a game for
something close to a triumphant 4months… But on that horrible June evening, i
had my arse bitterly handed to me in 3 games straight by my egotistical walking
talking prostate cancer-like roommate (Blake). He took my title, my shining
beautiful title, i will have my terrifying morbid revenge….”

Back issues of LapTopping are still available.
To be removed from this Ezine reply with the subject line “Clarity starts
at home”

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IMPORTANT

Grugs sidekick is transmitted for the spouse of the impenetrable fortress of
the new price is right’s game format only and spray contain confidential
and/or seagull compatible tshirt formatting. Any repotting, reforming,
pollywolly dooodle dissemination or other assorted naughtiness of, or raking of
berts laksa mobile in 13 polygon tatoos upon, this disco putty by crowd
controllers or limpit sharks other than dr yillets flailing volcano market
subsidiary or intended resiliant is prohibiwibble and may result in larry
emdurs poached egg idea. When typing LapTopping cast and crew choose to pause
and check the pimple on their upper lip. Remember, two wrongs dont make a
wrongwrong…actually…certain portions of LapTopping not affecting
the outcome have been hoodwinked into an intersteller mushroom pixeltruck
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