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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 58
Friday March 30
Estimated Reading Time: 12:13
www.myspace.com/thebedroomphilosopher
LapTopping is powered by S.I.I. Mopey Mogul – Self-Importance Industries.
**IN THIS ISSUE: THE INAUGURAL LAPTOPPING EMAIL ADDRESS AWARDS**
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LT BIRTHDAYS!

Happy Birthday Angus Young 48 yesterday!
Happy Birthday Elle Macpherson 43 yesterday!
Happy Birthday MC Hammer 44 today!
Happy Birthday Ian Zierling (Steve Sanders B.H. 90210) 43 today!

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ON THIS DAY IN 1993 (A reading from my Grade seven diary)

“Spent day quiet. Can’t remember wot I did! No cricket training! Bye!”

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LAPTOPPING’S “SONG TO GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD” OF THE DAY

The Twelfth Man – Marvellous

“That’s right it’s M.A.R.V.E.L.L.O.U.S.”

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FILMCLIP EXTRAS WANTED

I’m looking for Melbourne based extras for a Bedroom Philosopher film clip being made sometime in May. Also, I’m hoping to locate a sunny house to use as the location for the shoot. Something well-lit is a priority, and preferably you don’t mind things being moved around a bit. The shoot will take one day, most likely a Saturday. Please email me if you are interested.

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TOP TEN INAPPROPRIATE THINGS TO SAY AFTER A FUNERAL

1 – “Well if that’s a funeral we’ve had it.”

2 – “I’m full as a goog – emotionally.”

3 – “He’s in our memories now. Ewww and he’s doing a wee.”

4 – “Death. How Aussie’s that?”

5 – “It’s what she would have wanted. Not as much as being alive, mind you.”

6 – “Everyone’s grief takes on a different form. Do you like Thai boxing?”

7 – “It’s wake o’clock!”

8 – “I thought it was a bit self-indulgent.”

9 – “It really makes you think and put things in perspective. No matter how I look at it, the new Shins album just isn’t that good.”

10 – “He’s probably up above us right now, playing Boggle with God, making words for things that we can’t understand here on earth, from letters inspired by animals from the future.”

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PEOPLE ARE STRANGE, BUT YOU ARE STRANGER!

From Caitlin Bull of Melbourne
Overheard in the perfume bit in Chadstone David Jones:

“She’s just one of those fat people you don’t wanna know, you know?”

From Mark Woodward of Melbourne.

Overheard this gem at the Vic Market a while back.

Man: Grains.

Lady: Grains?

Man: Grains. Y’know? F*cken’ buckwheat an’ sh*t.

From James Walker of Perth

At my cafe a man comes up to our counter and says:
“Excuse me, I’m from New Zealand. Where’s the toilet?”
Does he get a special toilet for being from New Zealand?

Have you overheard some memorable conversation of late? Perhaps witnessed a member of the ‘peeps’ doing something comical or weird? Let Bev know at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com. Include your home city or town.

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LAPTOPPING INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENTS NOTICES
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*****
DEAD
*****

From Karen Kiernan.

“Sadly I’ve had to say goodbye to my 21 year old blanket. It did its purpose and warmed me on cold nights, until it perished in the beloved washing machine. My attempts to revive it failed and now it’s in a wet heap quite possibility giving birth to mould in the next week or two.”

*****
MURDERED
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From Shaun Ellis.

“I had owned my 1986 VL Commodore for three and a half years when it was taken and brutally murdered two weeks ago. It was doused in petrol and set alight; torched so badly the engine melted and even my sheepskin seat covers (which came free with the car and were all class) couldn’t smother the flames. The culprits didn’t even bother taking the stock-standard cassette player. Looking at the burnt-out shell left a very empty feeling.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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Do you have an inanimate object that is ailing or has passed on? Let the
LapTopping community ease your suffering by emailing Bev with your location:
laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Several phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website lately:

“hug club Tasmania”
“bagpipes bikini”
“pictures of billy ray cyruses wife”
“bunbury free haircut”
“brisbane pin up girl of 1995”
“how does the giant kangaroo rat benefit man”
“what are red fazzes”
“forgot my girlfriends name”
“post modernist order kfc”
“create a scenario to coach someone to iron a shirt”
“nude flying falling dreams”
“little cowpokes”
“david boons music compilation”
“eggs in bedroom”
“i m so postmodern i don t even exist”
“jarvis cocker glasses”
“how to dress like a philosopher”
“lycra lovers in Adelaide”
“justin blasko”
“myspace about me generator”

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LAPTOPPING MEDIA WATCH

Funny Ha Ha (2005)
Andrew Bujalski Director

This independent lo-fi American crapumentary is supposed to be a gritty portrayal of aimless Gen-Y inner-city life, which, as Indiewire states, “wholly embraces the moments, filmically and textually, that others try to avoid at all costs: unpolished sound design, blatant actorly awkwardness, lack of narrative momentum.” What it manages to achieve is a reality so “real” and unassuming that it makes a mobile phone recording of your housemate washing up look like Eternal Sunshine For The Spotless Mind. This is a movie where I couldn’t even sit through the trailer, which could have been made more enticing only if it was delivered by a ten year old re-enacting Lost In Translation with toilet rolls and a Barbie Motorhome. The only ‘layers’ in the film were the layers of film slowly covering my eyes, as I sat catatonic with boredom. This “first year film studies assignment” is misleadingly listed under the ‘movie’ genre in the new release section of your local Lacklustre, so be warned. It’s the first time I wished they’d put the wrong DVD in the case, as I’d happily watch ten straight seasons of The Nanny with a fluey Fran Drescher doing special commentary than this vindictively indie amateur claptrap. No stars.

DO YOU HAVE A MEDIA WATCH? Send us the link or hardcopy and we’ll sort it out. For more info contact Bev at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

Richard Higgins provides this startling snapshot of what I will be like when I’m old:

The original Australian television commercial for the Commodore 64. It’s worth looking at the American ones on the same page. Look out for the over-confident teacher at the end.

If you like jangly 60’s pop-rock then suss out Sydney kids Belles Will Ring.
http://www.myspace.com/belleswillring

Got a tip-off for some e-nuggets? Let us know: laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS (Melbourne)

• Thursday May 3. Wesley Anne Residency. 250 High St, Northcote.
w/ Pikelet (www.myspace.com/ovalyn). 8pm. $10.

• Thursday May 10. Wesley Anne Residency. 250 High St, Northcote.
w/ Julian Nation (www.myspace.com/juliannation). 8pm. $10.

• Thursday May 17. Wesley Anne Residency. 250 High St, Northcote.
w/ Fred Astereo (www.myspace.com/fredastereo). 8pm. $10.

• Thursday May 24. Wesley Anne Residency. 250 High St, Northcote.
w/ Mal Webb (he wrote the theme song to the Lano & Woodley show. www.myspace.com/malwebb1). 8pm. $10.

• Friday May 25. Espy Frontbar, St Kilda. w/ Little Red (www.myspace.com/littleredmusic) + The Great Apes (www.myspace.com/ilovegreatapes). 9:30pm. Free. (I’ll be on around midnight)

• Thursday May 31. Wesley Anne Residency. 250 High St, Northcote.
w/ Josh Earl (www.myspace.com/joshearlisalibrarian) + Matt Kelly. 8pm. $10.

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LAPTOPPING EMAIL ADDRESS AWARDS

Bev and I recently set to work tidying up the LapTopping email list. This included sifting out about two hundred emails that would continually bounce every issue. (Including ithrowpies@people.com which some smart-alec has been fooling us with for months! Same goes for saddam@hussein.com – I believe the hunt is still on for his password). It took us about four hours to realise that we could put the entire list though Excel, and at least get it in alphabetical order, as opposed to trawling through a random jumble. Honestly Bev, sometimes I wonder if you learnt anything at your TAFE desktop publishing course. Anyway, while looking though the mailing list, we were reminded of the email addresses that we have always been intrigued and titillated by. After a couple of episodes of Melrose Place and an Irish Milo, we agreed that it would be a nice idea to celebrate some of these email addresses for their entertainment value. So, it is with great pleasure that I cordially invite you to the inaugural LapTopping Email Address Awards 2007!

Email addresses were siphoned into categories and judged for their originality, humour, poetic and phonetic qualities. The shortlist of twenty were then grouped together and deemed eligible for the Grand Jury Prize. Where possible, we have asked owners to tell us a little bit about how they came up with their e-handle.

And now, the results!

Fingeroll.

MIRTH

whyaretheresomanynicoles@******.com.au
thepenguinatemyhomework@******.com
that_guy_@*****.org
spacehyena27@******.com
man_with_trumpet@******.com
******@smalloranges.com
iownatoaster@******.com
i_am_a_teenage_hand_model@******.com
dropped_as_a_baby1234@******.com
indie_rock_and_roll_4_me92@******.com

Winner: i_am_a_teenage_hand_model@******.com
Honourable Mention:******@smalloranges.com

Klehr of Port Maquarie owns i_am_a_teenage_hand_model and says:
“It was inspired by a Happy Squid who loved stoner rock music.”

Billy Dunham of Canberra owns thepenguinatemyhomework and says:
“I’ve had the email address since year 8 and just haven’t been bothered changing it. I also used to know a girl who’s email was carebearsstolemypanties@hotmail.com. When you’re thirteen emails like that are hilarious.”

ABSURDISM

thehappymonkeyofdoom@******.com
pathetic_little_alice@******.com
music_makes_the_carlie@******.com
moab.is.my.washpot@******.com
hotmailmailmailmail@******.com

Winner: moab.is.my.washpot@******.com
Honourable Mention: music_makes_the_carlie@******.com

Rowan owns thehappymonkeyofdoom and says:
“One day back in year seven, my friend started spontaneously singing a song for a non-existent political party. I listened and learned the words, and considered joining, but it seemed the party’s views opposed my own… So, I made my own party, and called it The Happy Monkey Party. I would draw a little weird monkey on my promotional posters. By the next year I was still drawing that monkey, and occasionally it would be holding a knife, grenade, chainsaw or some other such thing. So it became The Happy Monkey of Doom.”

Hayley owns pathetic_little_alice and couldn’t be contacted, but is the only person to ever ask for Back Issues of LapTopping. We salute her.

These addresses are in dire need of an explanation, so hopefully by next edition the winners can contact us.

POETRY AND PHONETICS

the_moogle@******.com
sputnikpunk@******.com
pixielux@******.com
lemonymcpockets@******.com

Winner: lemonymcpockets@******.com
Honourable Mention: pixielux@******.com

Dominika of Canberra owns sputnikpunk and says:
“I think it’s kind of naff and I don’t use it much any more, having moved on to more sensible email addresses (like having an email address that’s just my name). I’ve no idea how it came about, but apparently it seemed like an excellent choice when I was about fifteen.”

GRAND JURY PRIZE WINNER
lemonymcpockets@******.com
Bethany Leong, of Melbourne.

Bev and I both couldn’t go past an address with ‘mcpockets’ in it. Plus, lemony evokes a lovely image synesthetically. Bethany says:

“Lemony McPockets was around before Lemony Snicket’s, and I don’t appreciate people thinking I copied the name from some unfortunate series of events starring Jim Carrey. It started when Kirsty and I went to visit my old house in Canning Street, which has a lemon tree out the front. Even though I hadn’t lived there for a couple of years, I still felt I had some claim to lemon tree (and the fruit it bore) after all the love and attention I gave it when I was in the house.

We thought we’d take a couple of lemons home with us and, after some spectacular tree climbing on my part, we ended up with enough lemons to make a tart and still have some slices in a gin and tonic. With no bag to carry them in, I had to rely on the pockets of my jacket – which looked somewhat ridiculous when stuffed with lemons, but we didn’t have far to go. I became ‘Lemony McPockets’ for the journey home, and the name kind of stuck, especially when I was creating a new email account and I had to think of something that didn’t need a string of numbers behind it to distinguish it from the rest of the hotchick(insert number here)’s at yahoo.com.”

Congratulations to all our nominees and winners. Do you think your address should have been nominated? Do you know someone who should? LapTopping is starting a regular segment featuring email addresses and their stories.

Send in the email address, a brief story behind it, and your location to Bev at laptopping@bedroomphilosopher.com.

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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!
To be added to this Ezine check out www.bedroomphilosopher.com and go to the LapTopping page.

Last time someone cried: Adam – “Yesterday in Bunning’s when Toto’s ‘Africa’ was played over the store radio. I was enraptured to the point of tears. Then a store clerk came over and asked if I was hurt.”

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IMPORTANT:

This wiggitypoomet and any attached geigerthongs are contraband and may zoot-suit the copyright flannelbaton of Cheltenham Senior Scuba Craft and Battle Linen Association or Third Parties like the creepy plumber helping himself to your frozen chips downstairs. Phoebe’s zesty chalice is lavish and intended for the Christmas Goose or the indie-vidual who’s currently rendered powerless in the toilets of a Pixies concert due to pulling a groin muscle while trying to negotiate his black Lee jeans over a toilet cubicle to retrieve a pesky cockatiel which Tristan suggested he didn’t take in the first place unless the venue was fitted with seed bells, with fortunately it was. If you’re part of the population who’s innocuously stopped copulating opulently for lent then all the best, but please, if you are not the intended recipient, just give our kickboard back and we can so tell that’s a Chokito and you’re not funny and now our A-Team back pack smells like urinal cakes and we are so telling Aunt Gwen.

Please check this email for undetected wordplays before opening. We suggest Norton’s Anti-pun series X. If you receive this wiggitypoomet in terror then rapidly slay a marmasickle with a broadsword crafted from hardened crunkasaurus turd until you become the next J.K. thingface. Certain portions of LapTopping not affecting the outcome have been padded out to become the entire piece. Effect or affect? It gets us every time. That and smallpox.

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DON’T FORGET –
“That’s right it’s M.A.R.V.E.L.L.O.U.S.”