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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 70
Estimated Reading Time: Two and a half minutes. (Going off how long you are when you say you’ll only be a minute).

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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday Hope Davis (American Splendour) 45 today!
Happy Birthday Damon Albarn 42 today!
Happy Birthday Princess Eugenie of York 19 today!

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STREET TEAM RECRUITAROO!

Dear you, yes you. Would you like to hand out flyers outside Town Hall between 7-9pm in exchange for tickets to my comedy festival show, Bedroom Philosopher merchandise and half a sandwich? Reply to this email with your available days and phone number. It would be between April 2-20. Preferably early on in the piece, Tuesday-Sunday. If you’re ultra keen and would like to do more than one shift then priceless bounties await. Email laptopping @ bedroomphilosopher . com

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TEXT MESSAGE BLUNDERS

Let’s go to the movies
Let’s go to tie mother

Hey Alice hope you’re ace
Hey Algae hope you’re bad

take care roads are icy
take cape sober is gay

I’m in a rush
I’m in a suzi

your song was lovely
your pong was loudly

see you for brunch
pee you for crunch

catch you soon
batch you smoo

do you know what time you are on
do you know what vine you ape on

Thanks Darling
Thanks Earking

I think about our kiss
I think about our lisp

I love you
I loud wot

I crave your body
I brave your andy

I’m full of lust
I’m full of kurt

let’s watch a dvd
let’s watch a dud

That sounds fascinating xxx
That sounds fascinating zzz

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GUERILLAGRAMS!

Great moments in unsolicited conversation.

From Amanda Bishop, Adelaide.

At work, I was using a computer in a communal area and two female workmates were standing next to me talking.
Woman 1: So I didn’t see you at the meeting yesterday.
Woman 2: No, I was showing my vagina to the doctor.
Woman 1: ………
Woman 2: What?! You say you go to the dentist so why not this??
Woman 1: Yeah, but you don’t say “I went do the dentist to show them my teeth.”
Woman 2: Well, that’s true.
Exit both women.

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INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENT NOTICES

*****
RETIRED
*****

From Zenobia Frost, Brisbane.

“I’d like to thank my old orange mobile, Betty, for years of good service. I especially liked how she continued to send me messages from the 2007 Big Day Out over a year after the event, as if to make up for bad reception at the Gold Coast. These echoes were poignant texts from a friend I had been separated from on the day, first received on the bus on the way home, then repeated every few months for all time:
“Peaches makes me hot.”
“I’m wearing someone else’s beer.”
“I’m all alone by the mechanical chickens. Help me.”
Betty has been replaced by a shinier phone with fewer abandonment issues.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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SEND YOUR GUERILLAGRAMS AND BEREAVEMENT NOTICES TO laptopping @ bedroomphilosopher . com

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!

Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:

(NOTE: I am able to access the back-end of my website and it gives me all kinds of stats, including the on average, 600 different phrases people typed into Google to find my site. Because of the vast amount of text on my site, I have a higher ratio of random words being found together. E.G. Let’s take the first one “slap together stir fry” turns out my website comes up number one for this search! It’s because I wrote a column called “Food Slap Club” a take off of fight club, and mentioned slapping someone’s stir fry out of their hands. No other site features stir fry and the word slap so close together. All the phrases are real and you don’t want to know how many are ‘unfit for print.’)

“slap together stir fry”
“sofisticated nautical theme bedroom picture”
“body points where girls get seductive”
“can u see the plough from the southern hemisphere”
“bags don spencer”
“patti smith taking off her shoes and socks”
“how to twist a balloon bow and arrow balloon-bow-and-arrow balloon or party or twisting how to -hunting”
“simon and gurfel”
“gary numan doesn t talk to crowd”
“qualities of pineapple”
“how easy is it to get a forklift job in melbourne”

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

Look Around You!

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

SONGS FROM THE 86 TRAM @ EUROPEAN BIER CAFE. 2-25 April. (No Mondays). 9:45pm. (Sundays 845pm). Cnr Exhibition / Lt Collins. Bookings through ticketmaster 1300 660 or www.comedyfestival.com.au

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STORYTIME

(Brought to you by Whimsy Flakes. The artistically engineered breakfast cereal guaranteed to give you all the nutrients you need for a day making wheat-bag owls.)

THE BEDROOM PHILOSOPHER’S RECENT GIG DIARY

Feb 5 Heywire presentation Dinner. Old Parliament House, Canberra.

Heywire is the ABC radio documentary competition I won in 2001, which directly led to the whole Bedroom Philosopher thing. I was asked to go back as an alumni (Aboriginal for ‘has wikipedia page but still no spicks n specks) and perform in front of the regional youth winners, guests and my favourite, politicians! After unloading Medium Ted and other scissor kicking clapalong thrash quirk, the MC dropped the nervous laughter inducing ‘Justin is one of the Heywire success stories, but after that I’m not so sure.’ FACT: The baked Salmon was amazing, and later, I played Twister with the kids and won.

Feb 14 Thin Green Line Festival, Coolart.

For some reason the more laid back and peaceful the hippy festival, the more I want to swear. They loved it! TIP: Outdoor festival gigs aren’t great for comedy, you can’t hear any laughs as they disappear into the big blue sky. Afterwards we were swarmed by girls and boys wanting to buy things. One in four people bought an album. GREAT STATS! The front of house crew weren’t impressed as I commando rolled over Mad Dog’s drum riser during Gen ABC. Less so when I demanded that they remove the fly buzzing around me as I “couldn’t work in these conditions” FACT: Most common problem at outdoor festival: set list blowing away. During Wow Wow’s Song rockout Flutes McGee went so crazy he actually broke his flute! IN A SONG HE DOESN’T EVEN PLAY ON. That’s the Awkwardstra difference. This festival was smallish which is a good quality in a festival. Later, while walking to the toilet a man with a flyer asked me to take five minutes to consider the planned redevelopment of the local coastline and I WASN’T THERE FOR HIM! The VIP area had couches, beers, other people and a lovely girl who’s job it was to bring us chicken wraps with pumpkin dips. Afterwards, we went for our first BAND SWIM! Where we tried our first Awkwardstra pyramid of power. Success!

February 19. University of Canberra Commencement Ceremony.

Canberra was cha-ching capital in February, as I was again asked back as a success story (one who comes with a long introduction for those that haven’t heard of said success) to speak in a lecture hall at 1030am to first year students and parents. I opened with something like ‘it’s hard competing with a free sausage sizzle outside’ and there were at least FOUR laughs! It was a gentle wander through my life, with jokes, including the idea that ‘when you work it out, each lecture is costing you about $50, which you pay even if you don’t go, so you should print out tickets and consider them gigs you’ve already got tickets for.’ That got laughs, both mine. Later that day, I performed on the Uni concourse during clubs and societies recruitment day. There was an old bloke MC on stage who, one minute before I went on informed everyone that there was a ‘breakdancing battle with prize money’ in the bar. I was so put out by his lack of camaraderie that after one song I challenged the crowd to my own break dancing battle, putting my iphone ‘in the ring’ and doing a headstand. The first years were PETRIFIED. One girl was reported as saying ‘he’s got no shame!’

February 19. Front Cafe, Lyneham.

Dear Canberra, last time I played here, you let me down. 35 payers at Toast for my single launch? Ouch. Tonight though, you were exemplary. You were good looking, friendly and smart. And you got excited about my personalised ties for sale UNLIKE MELBOURNE who just walks past because they feel they can get things like that anywhere. There was a hundred of you in the intimate 70’s couch space. One of you even started singing along to “Happy Cow” causing me to pass out with overwhelminity. Seriously Canberra, thanks – you’re currently number two behind Melbourne, but ahead of Sydney. (NO GRIZZLING HOBART)

March 11. NSW Art Gallery.

My friend Flacco got me this gig, speaking as a ‘celebrity’ the same way that the kid off the ‘that’s no how you make porridge ads’ might do talks at restaurant openings. Get this, I wrote my HALF HOUR speech, a gentle wander through my life, with jokes and four songs and was all prepared and ready to rumble. Then, I got to the gallery, intending to print out the speech off a memory stick only to find that it was ACCESS DENIED o’clock on all their computers! Their techie informs me that my stick has been locked to my laptop only. RIDICULOUS SYSTEM. With 20 minutes remaining till I went on, and NO SPEECH whatsoever on me, I had to ring my friend Leigh Rigozzi who I was staying with, and get him to ring his house and see if anyone was home. There was, so after lots of missed called and hangups I talked a chap through how to get onto my laptop and get the file and email it to me with literally THREE MINUTES LEFT! How were my nerves? No, seriously, how the bananas were they? I tried so hard to appear courteous and professional to the lovely Gallery staff, only to be later biting my elbows and gasping ‘Oh my god, oh why is this happening now. To me! Sweet baby bunting!’ In the end, it all worked out. I just did the kind of speech you might expect from someone in an orange shirt and brown tie with bobsled motif – it was, as a middle class Sydney sider did say ‘cute.’ TIPS: It’s hard to get big reactions in Art Galleries – people stifle their laughs.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Come to my comedy festival show. Even you PERTH! Ever heard of a LAUGHING HOLIDAY?

THE END
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LAYTOPING IS MISPELLED, AND FREE! WHAT A GREAT GIFT IDEA, AND IT’LL CUT YOUR ENERGY BILLS IN HALF! SEND IT TO A FRIEND!

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NOTICE & DISCLAIMER: LapTopping is transmitted by the power of the memory of your first love. That green eyed brown haired delight, all smiles and slow motion. It is intended to fly like word kites, dancing in your soft sighs, as you climb the laser ladder of dreams and hard thoughts. LapTopping encourages you to reset yourself on a daily basis – get dumped by waves then scull ginger beer by a shady rock. Spend time with she who can make good crusty rolls. There are flavours on your tongue and truths in your mind too strong to disregard. What if you really were as beautiful as you have been told? Your only fear is how gold your ideas might actually be, and what fruity shock would be felt in the hearts of those who witnessed you spreading your bedsheet dragon wings and piercing the ice-fresh nucleus of possibility. Your spiritual home exists and you have been there and have not lost it. It would never leave you, it loves you too much.

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