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LapTopping – The Bit Long, Official E-zine of The Bedroom Philosopher
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ISSUE 77
Sunday April 25, 2010
**Songs From The 86 Tram album out now**
**Northcote single tour kicks off this week**

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LT BIRTHDAYS

Happy Birthday Rene Zellweger 41 today!
Happy Birthday Hank Azaria 46 today!
Happy Birthday Al Pacino 70 today!

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SONGS FROM THE 86 TRAM @ MELBOURNE COMEDY FESTIVAL HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Climbing into a taxi after the show and having a kid yell out ‘hypocrite.’
2. Having the Melbourne tram conductor appreciation society turn up, including an old fulla in full conductor regalia including shorts with socks and original ticket bag with a big bundle of pennies that he handed out to punters after the show with a kindly smile on his face.
3. Doing an extra show in Rich Fulcher’s room and leaving one of my albums on his leopard print dress. I later met him at the after party and couldn’t think of anything to say.
4. The night my tie kept falling over the guitar strings during New Media, forcing me to make a joke of it and play the rest of the song strumming with the tie.
5. Doing the sexy tram inspector dance to a girl who looked somewhat young. Whispering to her ‘how old are you’ mid routine, hearing her reply ‘fifteen’ and surreptitiously grooving over to another woman in the front row.
6. Having Nan see the show, her first trip to Melbourne in twenty years. Her review ‘yes, you’ve done well putting together your lyrics and the music.’
7. Riding my bike home from the supermarket with a backpack full of groceries and realising that it was the same Sunday, sixteen shows in, that I’d broken my arm the year before riding home with a backpack full of groceries and having a minor panic attack, monitoring the parked cars like a special agent.
8. Being on stage, powered off nothing but my own natural energy, feeling completely relaxed and in control.
9. The jokes people didn’t normally laugh at, and the one off laughers justifying their existence.

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TINY LEGENDS – Moments that fell down the back of the couch.

From Hugh Rabinovici.

“I’ve been having increasingly tense phone confrontations with half-deaf, vaguely-aggravated pizza shop workers whilst trying to order my potentially delectable dinner. It would seem they are having real issues with the name ‘Hugh’.”

Pizzaman: What name please?
Hugh: Hugh.
Pizzaman : Q?
Hugh: No, Hugh.
Pizzaman: Q, as in the letter?
Hugh: No, Hugh, as in the name Hugh
Pizzaman: Can you spell it?
Hugh: I should hope so, H-U-G-H
Pizzaman: H-U-G-Y
Hugh: No, that would spell Hugy…

EMAIL US YOUR TINY LEGENDS.

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INANIMATE OBJECT BEREAVEMENT NOTICES

******
DEAD
******

From Sarah Lambert.

“I had a fantastic pair of boots that were tall and black, with a spattering of buckles and laces. They made me look cooler than I have ever had the ability to act and they were even comfortable. Better than that, they’d only cost $40 and had so far lasted me a couple of years. I went to put them on the other night, having not worn them in a few months. But there was something wrong. On closer inspection I saw that the entire insides of the boot had been eaten and that the heel was now hollow. Apparently a mouse had got into the house, become trapped in my boot and tried to escape by eating it’s way out. Awful.
RIP boots + ability to sleep at night without worrying about mice.”

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WE PRAY FOR THEIR RECALIBRATION
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SEND YOUR BEREAVEMENT NOTICES TO THIS ADDRESS.

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GET A WRIGGLE ON GOOGLET!
Phrases people have typed into Google to land on my website:

“bedroom philosopher”
“bedroom philopher”
“the bedroom philosospher”
“bedroom philosipha”
“bedroom philosfer”
“bedroom philosifer”
“bedroom philoshopher”
“trhe bedrfoom phulosooher”
“the bedroom philosiphists”
“bedroom phyloser”
“bedroom philsiopgher”
“bedroom felousifer”
“song club jeans wallet band lyrics yeah man my party molly meldrum”
“ajax spray and wipe lyrics”

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TIME IS CHEESE AND MOUSE IS HUNGRY!

A recent interview I gave for The Vine. It’s probably the best one I’ve ever done.

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A GIGGLE OF GIGS

NORTHCOTE (SO HUNGOVER) SINGLE TOUR.
Check the Facebook invite HERE.
Performing solo with support from Josh Earl, ‘cept Brisbane.

Wednesday April 28 – The Front Café, Canberra
2 Wattle St, Lyneham – (02) 6249 8453
Doors 8pm. $12 (door sales only)

Thursday April 29 – The Vanguard, Sydney
(As part of Sydney Comedy Festival)
Doors 6:30PM The Vanguard, 42 King St, Newtown Bookings sydneycomedyfest.com.au 02 9020 6966
$15 on door or $18.80 if you pre-book.

Friday April 30 – View Factory, Newcastle.
8pm.

Wednesday May 5 – Grace Emily, Adelaide
232 Waymouth St, Adelaide. (08) 8231 5500 Doors 8:30pm. $12 (door sales only)

Thursday May 6 – Alley Cat, Hobart
381 Elizabeth St, North Hobart. Tasmania. (03) 62312299 Doors 8pm. $12 (door sales only)

Friday May 7 – Royal Oak, Launceston
14 Brisbane St, Launceston, Tasmania (03) 6331 5346 Doors 8pm $12 (door sales only)

Sunday May 9 – Powerhouse, Brisbane
119 Lamington St. New Farm
(07) 3358 8600
Free. Headlining ‘Livewired’ Comedy. Starts 6:30pm.

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STORYTIME

ME V AUDIENCE

Me: Hey I’m just gonna pop down and get next year’s comedy festival show, do you want anything?

Audience: Jokes.

Me: Anything else?

Audience: Nah that’s all.

Me: Don’t want a storyline or anything?

Audience: Um. No. Oh…maybe.

Me: Just a little one?

Audience: Well, not necessarily, maybe just like, repeat something in the middle and at the end.

Me: Oh yeah, (writing down) call backs.

Audience: Yeah, it doesn’t have to be much.

Me: (writing down) …will seem more clever than I actually am…

Audience: Huh?

Me: Nothing. Right, so no pathos then?

Audience: Nah, just jokes and call backs.

Me: Ok. Multi-media?

Audience: No.

Me: Costumes?

Audience: Nah.

Me: Audience participation?

Audience: God no.

Me: Character shit?

Audience: Does it have jokes?

Me: Possibly, providing it doesn’t compromise my theatrical motives as deep down I’m a frustrated actor.

Audience: Perhaps not then.

Me: Songs?

Audience: Are they you doing twenty different ones over the same four chords?

Me: No.

Audience: Don’t worry about it.

Me: I rhyme shits with tits.

Audience: Sure, maybe a couple.

Me: Um, what else, are you sure you don’t want complex tech-heavy interactive stuff, me talking to myself in the
future via a pre-filmed webcam? What about a series of letters from a famous celebrity that’s just my mate doing a Mr T impression with reverb?

Audience: Again, actual jokes will be more than enough.

Me: (writing down) Just jokes…

Audience: Actual jokes.

Me:

Me: Are you sure?

Audience: YES! Now go, I’m trying to watch two and a half men.

Me; I hate that show.

Audience: At least it’s got jokes.

Me:

Audience: What? What’s your problem?

Me: I dunno, I just thought you’d want more from your comedy.

Audience: More than jokes? What else is there?

Me: You know, a good comedy show should challenge your idea of mainstream ideology, it should reflect your
world in a refreshing yet thought provoking way, it should make you laugh but also make you cry.

Audience: Sounds awful. That’s what work is for. Listen dude, you have no idea what it’s like for us do you?

Me; What do you mean?

Audience: Have you ever been in the audience?

Me: Yeah.

Audience: Of your own show?

Me: Well, no.

Audience: Then seriously, think twice. Can you imagine what it’s like to go to a job you don’t particularly like five days a week so you can afford skyrocketing rent and mortgage payments and put petrol in the car so you can go down to the beach with your kids on the weekend fulfilling the psychological models of satisfaction created by your parents. Can you begin to imagine how many times I’ve put my own welfare and happiness second to those of my bosses, children and friends due to the passive aggressive martyrdom carer status I cling to, a muddled manifestation of self loathing and arrogance. Do you have any idea how mentally draining that is?

Me:

Audience: Then think about the magnificent symmetry of organisation that is required to wade through the comedy festival book and find a show that will suit the polarised tastes of myself and my partner, secure a babysitter, fight the brain sizzling frustration of peak hour traffic, settle on a restaurant and fluke the timing to ensure plenty of time to find the venue for an evening show. By this point, just how much challenging do you reckon we need?

Me: Um, I don’t know, not heaps?

Audience: Amid the thicket of internal frenzy, toiletry aches and the pungent steam of modest air conditioning, how sweet do you imagine the sound to be of a well conceived, structurally sound, masterfully delivered joke?

Me:

Audience: And how often, pray tell, do we, the paying public, get this, consistently, over the hour?

Me: It’s not easy.

Audience: No, making us laugh for an hour isn’t easy. It’s a real…

Me: …what?

Audience: It’s a real…say it….

Me: (sigh)…challenge.

Audience: YES! It’s a challenge, for the performer to write a series of jokes. Actual jokes. Fresh, clever, unexpected jokes. Jokes that makes you piss your pants like you did in high school when you first heard the one about ‘what’s brown and sticky?’

Me: A stick.

Audience: Damn right. A stick. Comedy is surprise my friend and I’ve seen plenty of professional comedians in my time, yet there’s never been a greater surprise than that punchline delivered with a Milo eating grin, by my best friend in the school dunnies all those years ago.

Me:

Audience: Sorry to rant at you about my frustrations with the world, I just thought you might, y’know, (laughs) like to see how it feels.

Me: Yeah, okay. God it’s good to hear you laugh.

Audience: I mean, what exactly is your aversion to jokes?

Me: I just think, you know, too many of them can be a bit…

Audience: What?

Me: A bit, I dunno (holds up fingers as inverted commas) comedy 101.

Audience: And what does that mean?

Me: It’s just a bit predictable and easy. I mean, it’s a comedy show, so of course people are already expecting jokes.

Audience: And this is a problem how exactly?

Me: I think a few jokes are okay, but I also think that a comedy show can be about skilled writing, acting, vocal performance and music with lashings of political and philosophical overtones.

Audience: So if comedy is about surprise, the surprise you offer is that you aren’t going to be that funny.

Me: Not exactly, but there is an element of…

Audience: May I ask, have you heard of the Melbourne Fringe Festival?

Me: Okay! There’s no need to be cruel.
Audience: I’m the AUDIENCE, you know how it works – individually we’re sweet, intelligent souls, but collectively we’re a malicious bunch of tactless oafs.

Me: I’m not sure why I let you move in.

Audience: You need us. Now, off you go. When you get back I’ll make apple crumble.

Me: Rockin!

THE END

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“The courage of the artist is to see the best in humanity when they feel the worst in themself. They will be flung by family, abandoned by administration, and lulled by lovers, yet through all of this, a colourful fire burns, brighter than the sun, from the depths of the soul. When one takes a full breath in the lungs, the fire is fanned, and spreads through the body like an aurora. This is the personal God, who knows that the importance of one’s work will come before all else, especially the sour candy of self-pity.”