Dear god thank you for blessing us with this beautiful day
A day of which I’ll see none of as I go to work onboard a packed tram
After four hours sleep thanks to my hippy neighbours impromptu bush doof
Reconciled with an apology note written in the dust
On the back window of my Corolla
Which you continue to smiteth with clutch problems
Thankyou god for creating me in your image
By the way in the bible it never mentioned you were short
Or an Irish girl
Meaning I’m the perfect dimensions to be the meat in an ipod sandwich
Getting guitar from one song and vocals from another
Creating the new band Madonnica
I can only see in mono but smell in stereo
Nothing says good morning like an elbow in the tits from a flatulent accountant

Dear god thankyou for bestowing me with this razor sharp wit
Which guys find so memorising
Till the six month mark of the relationship when they deem me too negative
Which is boy code for I think I’ve got a window with this so called friend
I’ve secretly had a crush on for years
PS I only pretended to like Death Cab For Cutie
Your breasts are weird and your risotto’s on the gluggy side
I can’t cut up the photos of us because they’re all on Facebook
But I can still retag you arsehole
Arsehole

Dear god thankyou for sending me the charismatic yet flaky best friend
Who convinced me to come to Australia for a year
Only to bail out after two weeks cos she’s homesick
She wanted to get back with her UK boyfriend
Because in certain light he looked like and could actually be Pete Doherty
God only you yourself know why I’ve been here three years
Realising my potential as a temping superstar
Thankyou Seek dotcom it turns out funky young workplace means call centre
And exciting new opportunities means drifting through the mall handing out pamphlets Dressed as a giant marsupial
Disenfranchised?
I’m dissin’ franchises all the time
Hey Starbucks
Get fucked

Dear god I know you work in mysterious ways
But you should realise we’re pretty shit detectives
In the absence of any discernible proof bar a few sunsets and orgasms
I’d like to think you’re there for me in a Santa kind of way
For Christmas I’d like a job in a bookstore
A yoga instructor boyfriend
And the ability to get my period before or after music festivals
Seriously it’s about time you got involved
For God’s sake stop embarrassing all the Christians
In the name of the father the son and the holy spirit
For the love of God

 

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